Broken record

I feel like there's one playing in my head. It plays loudest in the middle of the night when I can't sleep and all it says is "I want my babies back, I want my babies back." I'm still struggling to accept this reality that I don't want. I keep thinking about how I should be hitting 36 weeks or full term for twins tomorrow. I should be planning with my mom about when she should fly in. I should be so huge it hurts. I should be double checking my hospital bag and the nursery making sure everything is ready to bring my two little boys home. I WANT TO BE DOING THAT! I don't want to be sad anymore. I don't want this pain anymore. I should be checking to make sure we got all the essentials off of our baby registry instead I had to delete it this morning. I don't understand why this has happened to us. I don't understand what I've done to deserve this.