Questions

Oh the questions. I think those are the hardest part. I'm not talking about my questions about all this (and believe me there are plenty) or even the questions from family and friends. I'm talking about questions from strangers. They seem so innocent on the surface. They should have easy answers, answers that don't make the person uncomfortable and don't bring me to tears. They should have answers that I can say without choking up. But they don't.

Yesterday I took my car in to get the oil changed and walked over to a small, local coffee shop to get some tea and read while my car was being worked on. This is a coffee shop I frequent. I have been there with friends since the boys died. Heck, I even ordered the coffee for the funeral from this shop. I have spoken to the owner and her mother (an employee at the shop) often over the last year since they opened. But I have never been there alone for a long period of time when no one else was in the store. The mother and I were making small talk and then I went on to read my book. Suddenly she asks, "You're a teacher at the local school right?" I replied that I had been for the past 3 years but I wasn't teaching this year. "Are you enjoying your time off? Or do you miss teaching?" she asked. I paused. I thought. I hesitated. I choked up. She waited for an answer. Now I had to say something since I had taken so long. How do I phrase this? How do I not cry in front of a total stranger? How do I answer without making her feel bad for asking? IT'S AN EASY QUESTION. But it doesn't have an easy answer. Not for me.

Am I enjoying my time off? I was when I was pregnant and planning for my little family's future. I was when I could spend my days shopping online for the best deals on baby gear and picking out the items to go on our registry. I was when I could watch my belly growing and moving with my babies inside. I was not enjoying my time off when I was in the hospital with contractions. I was not enjoying my time off when I was being air lifted to Denver. I was not enjoying my time off when I was delivering my babies to die. I was not enjoying my time when I was planning their funerals.

But what about now? The worst has happened, the nursery is cleared out, the funerals have past, my babies are buried in the ground. Now what? Now am I enjoying my time?

Not really but can I fathom having to face a classroom full of kids everyday, not at all. Do I want to work? Not really. Am I busy? Yep. Right now the medical bills are pouring in. Did you know at 70 mile helicopter ride to Denver costs $21,500? Seriously. You practically need a degree in medical billing to understand the explanation of benefits and the bills. You need to check everything carefully against your plan to make sure they are charging you correctly. It sucks. Do I want to do it? No. Do I have to? Yep. The details of life are so hard to handle right now. Bills, mail, cleaning, grocery shopping, taking care of the little stuff, heck even getting out of bed. It takes so much energy that I don't have anything left to go to work. Life feels like work.

So how did I answer her? I told our story. I was pregnant with twins. We decided I wouldn't work. The funeral we ordered coffee for was my babies. I delivered them November 7 at 23 weeks 4 days gestation. I cried. I felt terrible for making her feel bad. I explained through my tears that I was sorry. And I was. I am. I'm sorry the easy questions are hard. I'm sorry my story makes others feel bad. I'm sorry they feel sorry for me. I don't want their pity. I want this not to be my story. Their questions always lead to my biggest question. WHY?