Instead

That's what it feels like my life has become. A series of "insteads". I should be 32 weeks pregnant instead my babies have been gone for almost 2 months. Or take last night for example. I should have been at a private session with a lactation consultant who specializes in breastfeeding multiples. Instead I was at a grief counselor mourning the death of my babies.

We were getting ready to head to Denver last night for a session with our counselor when my phone rang. It was a Denver number so I assumed it was our counselor and answered it. Wrong. It was the lactation consultant with whom I had forgotten we had an appointment scheduled. She was calling to make sure we were on our way. I told her I had delivered the boys in November at 23 weeks 4 days assuming that said it all. I was actually feeling a little proud of myself because with some major lip biting I was able to get through it without crying. Wrong again. She replies "oh don't worry about not calling you've been busy. Now tell me all about the babies. How are they doing?" Ummm... what. Shock. Horror. Cue hysterical tears. I finally choked out that they had died the same day. She, of course, was very apologetic at that point. But then she KEPT TALKING. Asking if we were seeing someone, if she could help, etc. Dude! Just let me off the phone. I have never met you. I have only spoken to you twice before. Please just stop talking, I'm hysterical and it's not easy to carry on a conversation this way.

Then we had to go to counseling. All in all, I was very spent last night. I wonder how many more moments like that are out there just waiting to blindside me.