I had my final postpartum visit with my OB yesterday. There were some awful things that happened because her staff is a bunch of morons but I don't want to get into that now. Everything is healing well physically which is good and we are cleared for sex. My initial response to that was something along the lines of this:
I still think she's crazy if she thinks I'm ready. Maybe soon but jeez! It still feels like yesterday that I delivered.
We asked all the questions that have been spinning around our heads in the last eight weeks, especially the ones about trying again. Matt is ready to go but I'm terrified. I can't imagine being pregnant again. It's too scary. What if this happened again? How would I live through it again? Would I live through it again? She wants us to wait 3-6 months at least. ^ months is out of the question because that would put us on the exact same week timeline as the boys and I'm pretty sure that would lead to me needing to be locked in a padded room for the pregnancy and heavily drugged. So it would have to happen before or after the 6 month mark. Of course I have to be emotionally ready first. How to I get there?
She seems to believe (and Matt does too) that the severe OHSS and 5 drains (I'm getting there in the story) plus the severe morning sickness plus the multiple pregnancy was just too much for my body. There is no official diagnosis of why preterm labor started. This is her best guess. She is really confident that a natural frozen embryo transfer that eliminates that chance of OHSS and a single pregnancy would be successful. It all makes sense logically. However, logic doesn't erase the deep in the gut fear.
My one big sticking point is that my hair fell out. I mean REALLY started to fall out 2 weeks before I delivered. She had me come in when I called about it (yep I'm that crazy OB patient that calls about everything) and tested my thyroid which came back normal. She says there isn't really anything else it could be and just chalked it up to hormone changes. But, hello! That's a post-partum symptom.
What if my hair started to fall out in the middle of the next pregnancy? What if contractions started early again? What if what if what if what if? Those words play over and over again in my head. I don't know how to get past the fear. I want to be a mom to living children but how do I make that leap?
I am so sorry for your losses Emily. I know there is nothing I can say to bring you any comfort.
ReplyDeleteSevere morning sickness may have caused your hair loss. I lost a ton of hair throughout my pregnancy because I just wasn't able to keep down enough vitamins and minerals and what I did have was going straight to the pregnancy. When I started getting banana bags through my IV it slowed down for a few weeks, my skin and hair perked up, but then when I got my picc line out it started back up again. I was told by more than one doctor that the reason for my excessive hair loss was that all of my reserves were going to the baby and my hair would probably continue to fall out until I could start eating and keeping down vitamins again.